I've been gone for a while in a two week long flurry of events ranging from the traumatic to the absurd and they are not too numerous to recount here. I moved into a new apartment, out of a box and into a mansion, and TheLoop.com is now up and slowly running so get online and "get visual." In any event, worry not; there have not been any silly "I hate my life, etc." bombings that hit me that you were not made aware of. You can now let out a collective sigh.

And a guy responded to my blog the other day from a post I wrote way, way back when I talked about what got me caught up in all this Israel business in the first place, wherein I said I hated the Poles but not the Germans and he asked me why. On the fair question continuum, I put this query far towards the fair side of the scale.

As I've said before, I believe in history and I believe there is such a thing as culture and groups of people. In other words, I believe that generalizations about people in certain places at certain times are reasonably justified, insofar as one recognizes that, quite obviously, there are always exceptions to any generalization (hence the term). So I am always skeptical of the Catholic Church, for example, since their track record includes a many centuries' old systematic and passive persecution of the Jews; I appreciate their backtracking on their record starting with Vatican II and all but their stunts during the Holocaust shouldn't be wiped off our white boards of relevant history. I have anothing against the new guy -- I know nothing about him and I don't intend to inform myself any time soon -- but I'm not willing to accept that the Catholic Church is an institution absolutely friendly to Jews because there's just not enough evidence to show that the last 50 years (less, actually) aren't just a speck on the timeline of history and that we'll see a tide turning if, let's say, Israel really loses the PR war with Mohammed, Ahmed, and Mahmoud.

As for the Poles, I believe I mentioned a bit of history at the time that I'll reiterate here. Because of lots of not so boring but too numerous to list here-events of the previous centuries, the Jews wound up in the Pale of Settlement and scattered throughout the Polish countryside sometime around the 16th century and were simply part of the fabric of Polish culture. In 1795, there was that whole mess going on in Poland and while the Jews weren't instituionally(insert bad verb), Poland began to confront the question of how to deal with its crumbled nation state. For a while, they and the Jews were united in the goals of Polish independence; unlike the Western European Jewry, the Polish Jews stayed hibernated and religious but they suppported the national cause. But in the 1860's, the Poles needed something of a scapegoat for their problems and a group to turn on so, with some hesitation, they parted ways with the Jews. So as early as 1860 something, Jewish-Polish tension ran hot.

Any respected historical analysis has concluded that it is no coincidence that all of Hitler's death camps (not concentration camps but extermination camps like Auschwitz) were in Poland and not Germany. The level of anti-semitism there had already run deep so after Blietkrieging, Germany didn't have too much trouble setting up shop in Polin as we say here.

I went to Poland in 2003 and found some awful things. Politicians regarded as too liberal had Stars of David painted on their foreheads and peddlers sold paintings of old Chasidic men to Jewish tourists coming by to visit the big family cemetery. There's a town right near Auschwitz that actually has the same Polish name as Auschwitz (Oswiencim) that had a disco a few years back and all this noise was made. Now that seems out of control to me. But selling Jews on the street? Drawing nooses around places denoted as Jewish with Israeli flags? There used to be over three million Jews in Poland; there are 1500 now and the number ain't growing. The last pogrom in history happened in Poland in 1946 and in 1968, the remainder of Poland's Jewish community were given one-way tickets to Israel. I guess all I'm saying is that I'm sorry if I harbor some issues.

My number is actually 914-509-6672. Call me.

I've had a ton of fun with this video stuff, which I'm sure is reflected in the "quality" of the works you've seen thus far. Listen, I'm learning. Even Baghdad wasn't destroyed in a day. I'm trying to get my mac fixed because it's better for editing and for those of you who've been solicited, it appears that I've qualified for a mac mini on one of those "refer other people and get free things" sites. Interested parties may inquire.

However, I've naturally come to the conclusion that 1) you can only videograph (it's my blog, I can make up as many words as I want) so many things; frankly, not all that much noteworthy stuff happens on a regular basis, particularly when you have your camera around (I'm still gonna use the little toy thing I've been using because it's cool and I have it with me all the time, unlike my new, yet to be revealed digital camcorder) AND 2) a picture may be worth 1000 words -- I think videos are worth a lot more which is why this isn't a photo blog -- but I can also write a helluva lot more than 1000 words here (if I so choose) to say what's behind the camera. So to the videobloggers out there who claim to rule the grassroots media, realize that no single medium is sufficient to tell one's/a story.

Excuse the pomposity (on this occasion only) because I don't mean to suggest that anything I write here is especially important, for lack of a better word; it makes for a good journal and some of my friends read it, as well as a few others, and it's fun. So with that, here's "ha motsav" (ha motsav means the situation in Hebrew. I almost titled this blog "Love in the time of Ha Motsav" but it didn't sound so good and no one would understand it. Bad title. However, the "situation" here is referred to as "ha motsav." Makes sense?).

You get really lonely when you genuinely live alone. I know that some people need their space and all but living by one's self give you no option other than privacy. Now the immediate response would be, "well, go out and do something, hang out with your friends." The latter point is, for me, the critical issue. Moving to a new place is certainly difficult; I remember how much people couldn't stand Robbie Elias when he moved into our district in seventh grade. He turned out to be a perfectly amiable personality but people have a little problem with new people in their space and I'm really the new guy around here. Moreover, moving across the ocean to another country is particularly difficult, especially when you arrive at that place (in my case, here) with no real contacts, a few friends in the army, and no family at all. Almost anyone who makes the move I've made at least has some uncles or cousins here but I ain't got shit. One of my cousins married an Israeli guy (the people I spend Passover with) but he's not blood related and, to be honest, I barely know him. Even if I did, he wouldn't really count. So it's just me. Throw in the fact that I don't speak Hebrew, making it incredibly difficult to approach people, and you got yourself a tough situation.

Most people have said that I've done this Israel thing pretty well, particularly since I'm all on my own and, frankly, am learning everything as I go. I went to the kibbutz for two and a half months but realized that wasn't the right place for me (and I was right), I came to the city and found a short-term apartment I could afford (this piece of shit I live in now), and I got a job in a reasonable amount of time that pays me decently such that I can move to a new place. And this all happened pretty quickly, at least in relative terms. No, my Hebrew's not where it could be, but most people who hear me speak say that for half a year in Israel, I'm doing okay. I don't study at all, although I will start again soon, but I can get by on the street.

Lest I digress, however, meeting people when you have no connection to them is hard; when you don't speak the same language, it's harder. Now Israelis like Americans for the obvious reasons and they also like speaking English but you can never presume somebody speaks English and it's awkward to start any conversation in Hebrew because I just can't say that much. People hear my accent quickly (Americans have a very distinct accent when they speak Hebrew) but even getting the foot in the door is tough.

I'm also in a very strange place in the social scene. Consider this. I went to college 3,000 miles away and kept in touch with a few people for a few years, going back home when I could, and slowly building a life for myself in California (but college makes that easy). I started school when I was 17 and graduated when I was 21. Here, guys are in the army from 18-21 and girls 18-20 so everybody in my age bracket is either in the army or just out. This means that they're likely traveling to either Thailand, India, or South America (almost all Israelis go to one of these three places after the army) or they're rolling with their homies. See, nobody "goes away" here and loses touch with kids from home or the army because even if you move from the North to the South, you're only maybe two hours away from where you started. This country is just tiny and only half of it is inhabitable. In that sense, it's also pretty incestuous.

Penetrating groups of friends is even harder. "Singles bars" aren't necessarily meat markets of individuals picking others out of a crowd and going home to do terrible things, even though I'd prefer they be that way. Really, they're packs of groups of girls and guys who manage to link their groups together and then go separate ways. Frankly, it's just hard to walk into a bar or a club alone. Gotta have the group.

So what's my friendship status? There really isn't anyone from the kibbutz that I'm interested in keeping in touch with, even though I've seen those people with a higher degree of regularity than I ever imagined. I thought I'd be friends with this British guy from the kibbutz since we'd planned to live together but he basically ditched me and I quickly dropped him because I have no use for a friendship with someone so disloyal. Yes, I'm working a lot but that's not the real excuse; I'm just getting sick of sitting around by myself without much of an access point from which to meet new people. Most of my options are out of the country or awfully difficult to approach and it's not like I have a phat crib to bring anyone back to. But with this new roommate thing, I'm sure "ha motsav" will improve.

If you know anyone here, give me their number. Beggars can't be choosers so I'll call anybody.

I'm finding that old friends are running past this page and I feel guilty for not posting recently. Let me inform you of a few developments:

1) I'm only one person and you are many. Give me a break -- I'm in Israel, 7000 miles away from home. Fucking stop by, you Fucks, and say hi. I write this, in part, to hear from people. Do you like it? Fucking tell me.

2) I've been incredibly busy. The pending promotion at work and the fact that I've oddly now been imbued with a new responsibility to get shit done without over-the-shoulder supervision have led to 50 hour weeks and the need for a nap now and then. It's been fun but it's a lot.

3) I've been looking for new apartments and in good news, I found a great place. I'm definitely gonna make a video about it in the future but I won't move in for two weeks, and I've actually been looking for places for just as long. My new shotafah (roommate)is a nice 23 year-old girl from a very wealthy background who lives in this gorgeous, renovated apartment that her father owns and she pays the taxes on. Since she goes to school in Jerusalem, she's gone all the time and when she's around, it seems like she'd not too bad. Her name is Shir, which is actually very hard to say properly and has already led to a few awkward moments.

One thing about the process of interviewing to find a roommate is that both people are on both ends of an interview. The person looking for a room isn't in the power position but if you don't like the potential roommate or the apartment sucks, everything else matters not. But this is a seller's market: I'm only one person who checks out the apartment but the person in charge sees a ton of people who want to move in. Eventually, you need to be accepted. Well, I finally got the pass.

4) The holiday week. I've been busy making a long movie about this and I didn't have enough footage until after the recent holiday to put something together. I doubt the movie will be of any quality but I'm learning the new editing program and it's been fun putting it together. Thinks take time, though.

In a note on my holiday week, I have to share a funny vignette. The day before Independence Day, I looked at an apartment where a 29 year-old gay man sought a roommate of any shape or size, color or creed. I find these apartments through a Hebrew database so given my newly acquired language skills, I can only read so much. What I didn't see mentioned was the gay part, which he apparently noted but I didn't notice. I'm not saying this would've stopped me from seeing this (shitty) place but it did explain why their hadn't been many heterosexual male interviewees. To make a long story short, he took to me quickly and invited me to his family's barbeque in a nearby suburb and I, of course, said yes, having no plans for the holiday and wanting to be with Israelis. So we rode his motorcycle (I have movies) out to the house, me sitting behing him with my dick in his ass, and I had a ball of a time meeting the family and ignoring the gay dude who wouldn't stop talking about anal rimming (no joke). This is all in the video so I don't want to spoil anything

Just as another note, I'm getting a new US phoneline through VoIP broadband and it will be really cool because you can call me real easily, straight to my computer here. Wait for more details.

Be in touch, chaverim (friends), and await a movie soon.

A few points on the video:

-- I edited another version that made the whole thing run a little smoother but I couldn't put it up online for some reason. What can I do? It's still watchable.

-- The video ends when the bar is about half way across the moving line. You'll note that the song has ended. At this point, stop watching.

-- There is a slight cut off at the end of the video. Instead of Bite M, the text should read Bite Me.

-- An Israeli friend of mine helped me in translating the song. Apparently, according to the context in which it's written, od yavo shalom aleinu means "peace will eventually come to us."

A few thoughts on this song (with potentially political implications):

This is a phenomenally popular, or at least well known, song in Israel; I'd venture to say that 90% of people here are familiar with it. There's actually an accompanying dance and to sing the song is a real celebration, not a plea for help. And maybe most importantly, salaam (the refrain) is an Arabic word. I know of no Arabic songs with Hebrew words. I don't know of any Arabic songs about peace. To me, this seems indicative of something. I won't go so far as to put my finger right on it but there's something in here. In this war, both sides have made mistakes but in sum, there has to be a good guy and a bad guy? Who is it? How do we decide? The popularity of this song is at least a testimony to the general Israeli attitude that wants peace. I'm all for peace and everything and the Arabs don't need a song with Hebrew words to prove their commitment but come on guys, let's do this already. Who are our negotiating partners? How will Abu Mazen assure Israel that he can control Islamic Jihad and Hamas when Israel has enough trouble doing it alone (and believe me -- their security is pretty tight)? To force Israel to make concessions under these conditions, either by mandate or in one's own mind, seems to ignore much of what's happening on the other side. Enough for now.

But today is Yom Ha'Shoah, the day of rememberance of the holocaust. At about 10 this morning, an alarm sounded outside and everyone in the office got up, faced west (I don't know why it was west) and stood silently for about two minutes. Israeli flags presently adorn the office and they will until Yom Ha'atzmaut, our fourth of July celebration, which intentionally is scheduled for a week after Yom Ha'shoah. Actually, Yom Ha'shoah was made a holiday one week before Yom Ha'atzmaut -- sadness to joy, pretty typical of the Jewish/Israeli experience. You can't change the date the state was founded but for something like the holocaust, you can't even pick a date that marked the start. The blitzkrieg? The dictate to carry out the final solution? The day the camps were liberated? The magnitude of the holocaust, as I've written about before in this space, is so astounding that there's really no sense in trying to attach the day of rememberance to any particular event. But it was strange to see the whole porn company standing in silent salute.

Then there's the founding of the state issue here and that's an interesting connection. Would Israel exist had there not been a holocaust? My answer is yes -- the Yishuv period (the period when the Jews were building the state before its creation in 1948) accomplished a lot and I think that the appartuses (apparati?) were in place for the successful function of the government. But there's no doubt that the holocaust was a boon to Israel; we were seen as a liberal paradise. Now the story is different; we are the oppressor and not the oppresed, they say. I don't wish to get into modern day specifics, although I will at some point in the future. But the Jewish people have been singled out too many times -- we have another holiday here just to remember those who've died in our wars (we've had at least 5 on official record since 1948). How many pogroms and other mass killings of Jews have there been throughout history? James Carroll, author of a book called Constantine's sword, says that were there no mass executions of Jews, starting from the Roman period, there'd be 200 million of us today, as opposed to the 15 million we can claim at present. There is too long an historical pattern of people wanting to kill us for almost no reason to give in and say, "well, at least we have the US now." If you're a real student of history, you know that the experience of Jews in America is only a speck on the historical map -- really, things can change at any times (see Phillis Chessler's The New Antisemitism). And read about the Yishuv period -- we were here. And the connection between the holocaust and the founding of the state shows the principles that justify our existence: trite but true, never again. Israel is the Jewish people's only true safeguard. That's not why I'm here but it's pretty damn important.

Obviously, I can't be thrilled with the general quality of the video -- my camera isn't clear enough to capture the images I tried to record. I'm getting a digital camcorder very soon so quality should soon improve, especially as I also get better with the editing software.

My favorite part of the video is the soundtrack, an Israeli song called "Od Yavo Shalom Aleinu" which means "more peace will come to us." The next line "V'al culam" means "and to everyone." The refrain "salaam" means peace in Arabic. Those Jews, highjacking the Arabic language. What will they do next?

Things have been a tad on the busy side over here lately so I haven't had the chance to post in a few days but worry not; what lies below is guaranteed to shock the mind and unclog the arteries. After fiddling around with Adobe Premiere for a few hours, I wound up with this piece of shit that is a stepping stone towards pieces of whatever is the positive opposite of shit as I acquire a better camcorder and a understanding of this editing software. You put this thing together with all this Flash business and internet stuff I've never heard of and it all gets pretty complicated. But there's a video here.

In other news, I'm moving to a new apartment with random Israeli roommates. At present, I don't have the time or energy to write but there will be much more to come on this subject because I think it far more interesting than meets the eye (in that your eye met the idea on the page, if you're following me). Onward.

I'm using a new service to post this video because audioblog couldn't handle the file type but I'm a bit disappointed in it in that the video does take a while to load. Depending on the speed of your connection (I can't really tell how fast my connection is relative to others, given that we don't usually talk about this kind of thing), you may have to perhaps just hit play for a second and then pause and wait for the slight grey bar to build up on the bottom of the screen. Maybe even open the video and then go check your e-mail for five minutes, come back and watch the whole thing in sequence. One good thing about these new guys, VideoAddOn, is that they do produce a video that doesn't skip once it's really going. In the future, I'm going to have my own website from which to post these videos and, eventually, will move this whole blog over there. But feast your hungry eyes upon this video gruel.

I gave you all a look into the Carmel Market two posts ago but to really get a sense of the tenor of this place, you have to be inside the "shuk". Here's some of the banter going on inside, where if you pay anything more than 50% of the asking price you ought to consult a therapist or aggression manager. The market embodies Tel Aviv with its mishmash of people, the wild noise, and the general disregard for all social custom. Take a peak.

I was so excited my last video got onto the blog that I decided to get in front of the camera and talk to everybody for all your viewing and listening pleasure. The quality of the video is mediocre but I'll get better with this stuff as I learn more about computers and shit.

So since this is like a message, holla back. And subscribe to the blog (I know there's an easy way to do it) or put me in your RSS feeder if you have one (and get one if you don't. They're helpful for reading the news). And tell everybody who I know but am not in contact with to check it out.

Holla back, niggas.

Let me know if anyone has trouble playing this video. You may need Macromedia Flash (which most people have) but if you don't have it, download it in 30 seconds here. You may also need a Java enabled computer, which you likely do have but if you don't, click this guy. Wait, no, it's this guy. Mac users shouldn't have Java problems.

Love...a guy who loves this guy

Do not consider not at least looking at the bottom of this post, even if you're not going to read the fascinating text. The big surprise is there.

Since starting work at this internet company, I've become fascinated by all sorts of computer-like things, especially digital and web based technology (hence the webcam fix). Also, even though I don't post daily because I'm the type of person who needs A LOT to say or I say little at all, I love this blog concept and the way it allows me to connect with people I know and don't know the world over (I already have a few readers I didn't invite. If these are my 15 minutes of fame, kill me). The integration of the internet and functional, user-friendly technology is the wave of the future and I hereby predict another big hi-tech boom as wireless technology becomes more sophisticated, more digital features become integrated into single devices and as the features become cooler. Exeunt.

Anyway,In surfing the net for a project at work and I discover the web community of video bloggers, people who, instead of expressing themselves exclusively by text, record and edit videos and, with a little computer savvy, put them in their blogs. The term in vogue is vlog, a video blog. They have a Yahoo group you can subscribe to from any of the videoblogging pages on the net but be forewarned: these people send out about 150 e-mails a day. If you subscribe, get the digest. Really, these people can be obsessive.

My video for today was recorded with this very cute toy I bought that you can take a look at here. I managed to find the toy on the street for a little less than $200 dollars and it's been great; I carry it around in my pocket so I'm prepared for any potential media-friendly situation. I admit the video quality is not spectacular (you pay for the convenience) and you can't record movies for longer than a minute but fear not. I bought myself a digital camcorder for a great price on Ebay that allows me to record for two hours at a time. No, my videos will not be two hours long but I have some cool editing software on this computer so I can make some fancy films, although nothing like the ones I am paid to watch at work.

In order to view this movie you will need the Quicktime player, a media player you likely have on your computer but that you can also download for free by clicking on this guy. It works on PCs and Macs and is a good program to have to view movies on other webpages.

If you're interested in including videos in your Blogger blog, get the information from these Norweigan dorks. If you blog in another manner, that page should help but if their code doesn't work with your blog format, go to the home of these vlogging nutjobs. My advice is to go to the Norweigan guys and open the demo for one of their videos and then steal their source code. The Norweiges list the system requirements to vlog, too. You likely will need to host your video on your personal web server if you have one but if you don't, I can either try to help you out by putting the video up on mine or you can read the master page for more vlogging techniques.

Download Quicktime now. Download Quicktime now.

Enjoy. Click on the picture to start the movie (which is a minute long. They'll be up to five in the future. Quicktime let's you skip parts of the movie so you don't have to watch the whole thing if you're crazy enough to not want to).





This was recorded at the Carmel market in the center of Tel Aviv last Friday, I believe. Leave comments to let me know what you think of this whole project.

I mentioned in my last post that I bought a web camera and I'm totally jazzed about the thing. I can talk to people on AIM or MSN Messenger with the sound of my voice and show myself off on screen. The camera software also let's me record videos of any length I wish. Additionally, I've acquired this little gadget, the Panasonic DV-10, which I can fit into my tight Israeli/metrosexual pants that records short, decent quality videos, take pictures and a bunch of other neat things. It's a lot of fun.

Since I bought the web cam to have another way to communicate with the people in my life, I researched ways to post videos on the internet, much like you can post photos with flickr, this new super cool free service from Yahoo that bests Google's Picasa and Hello picture sharing programs by a long shot. Through my research, I discovered the world of video blogging, that by way of digital camera and QuickTime Pro software, one can post easy-to-view videos in their blog in addition to the html edits you can make as of now. From here on out, I plan to regularly video blog. This should be interesting.

There is no substitute for the written word and I will continue to write. However, media are changing and video technology is the future of issues as great as the fate of posterity. Soon, we'll all be conferencing from our cell phones. Crazy shit. In this spirt of embracing technology, I want to take this space a step further to tell the story of porn and war and love that I'm trying to tell here.

The videos will require the Quicktime player, which one can easily acquire at download.com but something that you likely have on your computer already. I'm not sure how long the posts may take to download but the point of QuickTime Pro is that it compresses files so they're more easily viewable on the web.

In upcoming news, I'll be creating a flckr gallery and I do have Hello photo sharing if you'd like to exchange pictures. Create an account, add me, NGrabowitz, as your friend and we can share pictures. I have a scanner too, so I'm going to scan a bunch of my pictures from my junior year travels through Europe and put them up also. Believe it or not, I've even purchased web space and downloaded a good HTML editor so that I'll have another way to develop the story of my life. The URL will be released upon the site's creation.

Finally, if this web chat conferencing interests you, look at CamFrog and Sight Sense, but both any of the messenger services will all do. My screename for all of them is NGrabowitz. At least leave a comment on this post or e-mail me with your contact information, especially if you're reading this page and haven't received some of my mass e-mails. If you want to know more about this kind of stuff and the process of learning HTML on your own, let me know; I've done some good research. A web cam costs as little as $20 but $50 gets you a great toy.

"The medium is the message." If you don't know who said that and what it means, you should see Annie Hall or just accept that your general intelligence quotient is lower for your ignorance.

I don't know if I can call Matt my very best friend but he's up there. We met when I studied abroad in Prague during fall semester junior year and spent almost every waking hour together for three and a half months, in no small part because our third roommate was a cross between Tiny Tim, Michael Jackson and Gilbert Goddfried and was intolerable to be amongst after five minutes of interaction. Matt just announced that he is the poster child for the prophylactic. Good point.

Matt and I both were inspired to come to Israel for similar reasons: zionism, love of the "people", wanting to see the action. I went one route, or at least I intend to, which is to go to school after spending this year learning the language and acclimating as best I can. Matt volunteered for the army, a plan he's had since he was 15. Problem is, Matt came here speaking not a word of Hebrew and is still functionally illiterate and mostly mute. Being in the army where everything's going on in Hebrew ain't too easy when you've got no idea what the 18 year old girl (your commander) is telling you to do.

His army story goes like this:

He found a program in the states for anyone, but usually the children of Israelis, to join the IDF for at least two years, whereas the normal conscription for Israelis is three. The group met a few times before departing (they met in Oakland of all places) and then landed at a few kibbutzim scattered throughout the northern part of the country. Without any structure in his life, Matt met the kids he'd be serving with since they're the Americans, lumped off to the side in the army a bit, but since he was only speaking English and didn't sign up for any kind of formal Hebrew classes, his verbal skills left and still leaves much to be desired. So basically, he dicked around for his first four months here, other than making a few connections and seeing the country. Not bad, but not the ideal preparation for an army that sees a lot of theater.

Since being called up, he's now twice gone through basic training and once through the army's Hebrew instruction program meant for new immigrants (mostly Russian and Ethiopian, not many Americans) all over the course of nine months. He proudly brandishes his gun, which he's been trained to fire (but nowhere near anything serious), and he sports his uniform with pride so people on the street can see that he's doing his duty, at least as he sees it. Really, he regards going to the army as his personal act of community service to the community of the Jewish people. One would think, though, that someone so intelligent and insightful as Matt would know to prepare himself to the utmost in order to succeed at something so intense like joining the IDF. Right now, he's the scum of the army, knows nothing, follows orders he can't understand. And he's waiting to go to Gaza in July.

I wrote about disengagement a while back and this illustrates part of the problem: for one, who the hell are we sending down there? Matt can't do anything to make this situation better and, in fact, he's more like the Woody Allen character in Bananas who joins the Latin guerillas to impress a girl. Maybe he'll greet the settlers with a nice cake. He's a liability, not an asset. And many of the other soldiers now enlisted in the army are other fairly ignorant Russians who will be doing the same thing as Matt except they're in Israel out of need for refuge from fucking Uzbekistan, not a heartfelt commitment to the country. At best, we're going to be sending down a bunch of well trained 19 and 20 year old Israelis to usher fellow Jews out of their homes where they will be met with stiff, perhaps violent, resistance. Like the plan or not, how the hell can we pull this off?

There's another interesting thing about Matt's experience in the army. He now says, "the darker you are, the dumber you are." It's impossible to take this attitude as anything less than total ignorance but for a guy like Matt, the feeling comes from a more informed place. Remember that Israel is the ultimate Jewish melting pot where the world's godforsaken have come from far and wide to form a little country that explodes at random. The army, like all public institutions here, is a mix of Israelis, Russians, Ethiopians and Jews who descend from most of the Arab countries and soldiers often share little in common other than their experience in the army. Everything in life is done in the group under the most rigorous conditions and, all the while, no one really understands what's going on.

The average Israeli has your average experience in the army, something with which I'm not personally familiar but that I know to exist. Matt and others like him, however, see the whole picture threw different eyes (and Matt is color blind like a dog). When communication is sparse and pigeon like, people make quick judgments about their interlocutors worth as a person in part, but certainly of their intelligence, even though we know that intelligence for many hardly shows up in their speaking. That said, there are few people who run into a Japanese tourist in Times Square and hear their most broken English and don't think that guy's a moronic sucker; the entire tourist economy of New York thrives on that premise. When I speak here, unless I'm feeling really confident, people talk down to me, not because they're rude but because that's the way you talk to simple people who just can't understand.

In the army, the learning curve for different kids in minority groups depends mostly on their background, as in what kind of schooling they've had, how well they speak Hebrew, and also the kind of home structure they come from. The Jews who came to Israel from countries in the Middle East had nothing and knew nothing so they were basically refugees in their homeland. Israel still has a huge black and white divide and although it's narrowing, there are still the vestiges of the Middle Easterners primitive paths and it affects how they adjust to life in the army and present themselves otherwise. Frankly, those from the backwoods don't pick up the knack for things so well. They seem dumber than everybody else.

So when you're so dependent on the people around you, such as is the case in the army, you quickly judge people on the basis of their competence and intelligence and the darkies just seem stupid, at least to Matt. The Russians aren't much better and most Israelis have a very negative attitude towards that massive segment of the population. Are these people dumber than you're regular Ashkenazi mutt like me? Of course not, but we've got a lot of work to do in bringing the bottom up.

Yesterday, I bought myself a new computer because my old, awful Mac finally fizzled out because it sucked and I hated it. I grew up with PCs so I never could adjust to the Mac operating system and, since I'm convinced I got a lemon, the thing kept screwing up in weird ways for no reason. Worse yet, here in Israel there is only one Mac service provider and they're located in Eck Velt and have monopolized the Mac maintenance department. Plus, this new machine allows me to type in Hebrew and do all sorts of Israeli things I needed to do before.

I had made up my mind to buy a computer and figured I had the most basic computing needs so I decided to walk into the computer store and buy the computer at the bottom price. Turns out I got a fancy IBM ThinkPad that won't break and does everything I need it to do. The big news, though, is that I got them to throw in a web camera since I figured I was the first person in history to walk into that store and spent over $1000 in less than five minutes so I was entitled. As we say, ain b'ayah (no problem).

The web camera is the coolest thing around. I have a pretty sexy one with good picture and quick reaction timing so there's little delay in my movement. The hot shit is when you hook up a microphone and can basically have a video conference with people all over the world. If you get a web camera, you can really talk to ME!

In other news, I was accepted into my masters program at Tel Aviv University yesterday, where I'll be studying Middle Eastern history and contemporary politics. What that will get me I really have no idea. Stanford blessed me with an extra math or science GER so I have to get that out of the way before school starts so I may be in the states for a few months this summer taking a class so I can get started over here. I'm really looking forward to being a student again and doing it in Israel should be all the wilder.

Note: I've had computer troubles of wild orders of magnitude of recent so I haven't been able to post as much as I'd like. Please bear with me.

It seems time to document what goes on in my office here. Having never explained my new job in full, let me use this space to do just that.

In short, I work for a website development company that, at least from the outside, runs a respectable and lucrative operation from the center of Tel Aviv. However, behind the impenetrable fortress (only a five minute walk from my apartment) lies perhaps the webporn capital of the Holy Land. Our most profitable sites here feature women, couples, or any sex entertainer broadcasting web TV shows of their every move for their perverted but captive audience. Our other big market is the world of adult matchmaking where, typically married women looking for a disgusting fling, advertise themselves for massive public consumption. Almost all of the sites' activities take place in the US but, theoretically, users can be anywhere around the world. Seriously, buy yourself a webcam just to get a sense of what crazy stuff is out there. People can now advertise themselves in the most dynamic ways. Technically, people can use webcams for tame or even educational interraction but, to date, that doesn't seem to be the internet's primary market and certainly not the target for this company.

We run numerous other sites that make relatively small amounts of money but serve the overall operation by linking to the company's more profitable ventures. Here's where I come in. Every day, I buy new content of all varieties to grace the opening page of the site I write for, which ranges from audio/video material to simple hardcore pictures, with shots of trannies and lesbians and midgets, if that's the order of the day.

One might think that this job is a dream and it is, no doubt, surreal. My relative amount of exposure to porn is unprecedented, especially since I'm not paying for it and I'm certainly not in a position to get off; this is business. I'm always having conversations about whether we should have facials or cumblasts or god knows what else. For example, my major accomplishment for the week was creating a linking web banner inviting viewers to see girls who are "Dumb, Drunk, and Ready to Fuck!" Who can pass that up? I also serve as the cyber personality who entices daily users to peruse previously unviewed segments of the site and at least satiates their appetites for some new material every day. Needless to say, the work is absurd to the point of hilarity but also amazing in the way the body can become numb to the flesh.

And everyone around me is engaged in relatively serious conversation about what kind of material should be put up on sex sites, or how we can assist a pathetic ingrate looking to penetrate a married woman or 19 year-old slut. What a pressing responsibility! Really, don't underestimate how seriously people take this kind of thing; we're inundated with customer service inquiries.

I'll soon be moving to do the customer service work for a new dating/social networking site that is similar in some ways to MySpace.com (a bizarre world in itself) but with many more free technological features like web chats and the opportunity to host your own interactive web TV show. It's an exciting project but I have little creative input so I'll only see the output of the work when there are actually customers to serve. Await, ye faithful, and I'll keep you in TheLoop (the name of the site). And get a webcam to talk with me. This job can only get crazier.

I came here with the ultimate intention of studying Israeli and Middle Eastern politics with a specific focus on the Arab-Israeli conflict. After being here for five months now, I've realized the futility of my project. What does it mean to study politics around here? It seems that everyday, just by interacting with Israelis, I gain some other insight into the depths of the issues at play and the sense in which all the stories of the day are all ultimately connected to the situation. The economy here is in shambles but any idiot has to attribute that fact, in some part, to Israel's security state of affairs. The slow death of the Jordan river, the allocation of water resources, and the entire system of public transportation play, in some form, a character in the charade that is the attempt to resolve the war in this region.

Be that as it may, I plan to take up the project of trying to isolate what I consider to be some of the critical subjects that will determine the path of Arab-Israeli relations. Given my new vantage point on these issues, this idea is as much a way for me to try and pick apart the web as it is a way for me to let my friends and others know how I see things from my close-up experiences.

Today we'll start with the hot topic of the moment: Gaza disengagement. First, it's important to lay out the events that have led to Israel’s radical shift in policy, by the Israeli government in general and Sharon in particular. The intifada that everybody is trying to put an end to has been going on for almost five years now and the ramifications of the whole balagan (mess) have left both ordinary Israelis and Palestinians just plain tired. One would think that with the death of Arafat, the exhaustion of the parties buttressed by hopeful signs for future cooperation between the two sides that now is the ripe time for taking the bold steps required to at least assuage the situation in the region, even if core disputes may never be settled. And the road map, long regarded as a flop, has resurfaced as a reasonable blueprint from which to begin diplomatic relations and talk about real solutions.

The unilateral decision by Israel to withdraw its troops from Gaza, transferring all security and administrative responsibilities to the Palestinian Authority, is not explicitly proscribed as one of Israel's obligations according to the Road Map but the move is consistent with the international mediators' goals of eventually getting Israel out of the territories, thereby laying the groundwork for a future Palestinian state. Israel has made “land for peace” overtures to the Palestinians in the past, agreeing to cede control of almost all of the disputed territories to the PA, but Arafat declined the offers at Camp David and Taba. But remember that Barak, one of Israel's most ardent liberals, promoted the compromise proposal; in part, the measure didn't succeed and couldn't have succeeded because of the force of the conservative opposition. Certainly, some debates in the Knesset split down the middle where a weak coalition can still control the legislative agenda. However, when it comes to questions of Israel’s territorial identity, it is impossible to pass laws that shrink Israel’s borders without a broad, multi-party voting bloc. What distinguishes the disengagement plan from concessions Israel has made in the past is that it is being backed by most of Likud, even if it has caused significant inter-party fractures. Fearing the loss of his coalition, Sharon has established a national unity government that has turned off many staunch Likudniks but that has been embraced by much of the population. Israel has experimented with national unity governments, specifically during Shamir's time in office, but they served more as tenuous supports for fledgling administrations. More importantly, however, Shamir made no real advancements towards peace or laid out any plans like the ones Rabin and company drew up at Oslo so we've never seen if a unified government would have the broad-based support needed to effectively implement any solution to the problems here, given how radical it is to attempt to uproot 5000 of one's own citizens as in the case at issue. Again, no proposal that bears on the central issue concerning this country can be effective without large majority support for the measure.

Sharon's move, in light of his recent cooperation with his former political naysayers, is special because it marks the first time that many conservatives have backed a "liberal" move like giving up land and dismantling settlements. With the liberals already on board, the Likud switch makes it more likely that the government can garner enough support for disengagement.

Right now, some of my friends in the army are inevitably waiting for their deployment to Gaza in June when the plan is slated to be enacted. They will have to go house to house, effectively pulling people from their homes, people with whom they often have strong bonds if for no other reason that they are Jews who are entitled to not have to bow down again. There are great fears of settler violence against the troops, ranging from rock throwing to possible gun fighting. Remember that Rabin was assassinated by an ultra-orthodox Jew who was guided by a view widely held in the most religious communities: it is never okay for a Jew to kill another Jew UNLESS his behavior is likely to lead to the death of many more Jews. Frankly, the fears of pursuing peace, held by religious and secular Israelis alike, are a result of failures in the past that sparked an upswing in violence. Post-Oslo Israel was much more dangerous than the six years during the first intifada. The second intifada began right after Camp David, which was truly the most generous peace offer Israel has made to date. Will we see more violence after the plan is carried out?

There are many reasons to think so. First, as I mentioned before, there is a history of Jews, especially the religious, confronting political forces that they feel will jeopardize the state with force (see Jabotinsky, the Stern Gang, Meir Kahane and his followers, etc.); there is precedent for inter-tribal violence. Moreover, there are already loud murmurings that some settlers plan to act out against their fellow Israelis. Second, Gaza is often referred to as Hamasland. Hamas and the other terrorist groups recently agreed to a ceasefire (hudna in Arabic) for as long as a year but they still vow to “push the Jews into the [Mediterranean] sea.” While it is laudable that the PA at least appears to be moving towards democracy in the post-Arafat era, Israel and its allies have fears like many have for the future of Iraq: what if the Islamists win the majority? Hamas wields tremendous influence on the Palestinian street, historically providing social services like schools, healthcare, and jobs that Arafat’s government never could and never did. Instead, the money that might have financed these projects lined his family’s pockets; he died a billionaire. As a result of their charity work, Hamas has gained tremendous support for its activities against Israelis in the territories and Israel proper. One of the first items on the Palestinian to-do list is free and fair municipal elections. While perhaps the majority of Palestinians might not endorse terrorism, many local areas, particularly in Gaza, will cast their votes for a violent opposition. How much control will Abu Mazen wield over Gaza? He has asked Hamas and others to join his government, but in the minds of many, that will only increase the chance of there being PA endorsed legislation calling for violence against Israel(is). Even after Oslo (’93-4), the PLO did not acknowledgement the right of Israel to exist until 1996. Hamas, not aligned with the PLO, has still never conceded Israel’s legitimacy and, in fact, are on a mission to destroy us. Without anyone to police them, how can they be stopped? About a month ago, a big deal was made about the launching of the 8,000 strong Palestinian internal security force. When Abu Mazen first resigned as Prime Minister under Arafat, he justified his move on the grounds that Arafat would not grant him the power to police the territories (in place of the Israelis who do the job right now). Now, he has stated that he is committed to keep his initial promises. However, the policemen are widely regarded as traitors and have met great resistance from the locals. More importantly, the troops do not have the power, let alone the authority, to disarm the terrorists, a move which Israel demands as a requisite for any progression in peace talks. Hell, one of the major public demands is for the release of many Israeli held Palestinian prisoners, no shortage of whom have been convicted of conspiring in or carrying out terrorist acts. What happens when those guys are back on the street? Much like the mafia, breaking out of the group, whether it be Hamas or Islamic Jihad, is very difficult for people to do; as such, the likely of recidivism is high. How can Israelis trust the Palestinians to make good on their first promise in the Roadmap compromise? If there is an outbreak of terrorist violence after the disengagement, how can Israeli make any further concessions? Everyone knows that you don’t bargain with terrorists.

There are myriad other considerations for the Jews. Israel has always faced an existential crisis in two important respects. For one, Israel is the size of New Jersey and we’re in a pretty muddy conflict with a lot of hostile neighbors; without spreading out a bit, it’s increasingly more difficult to defend our borders. Second, the disengagement question is causing wider rifts between the right and left, the religious and the secular, making it perhaps more difficult to implement solutions down the road and causing ruptures in Israeli democracy that may divide the society too far apart. And many can fairly ask the question, why now exactly? The Palestinians need to prove more before we can take them seriously.

Needless to say, the Palestinians have plenty at stake as well. I think the lynchpin issue is the mere pressure on the new Palestinian government to show that they can govern and maintain the majority of the public’s support. If Gaza remains anarchic after the transfer of power then further chaos is a virtual certainty. No way can the Palestinians expect to achieve national aspirations if they can’t carry out the tasks of a nation. In fact, I think it likely that if things get too far out of control, Israel will step up its occupation of Gaza to nearly unprecedented levels. Additionally, the Palestinians have continued to take issue with the fact that Israel’s withdrawal was decided by Israel without consultation with the Palestinian side. But, either way, aren’t the Palestinians getting what they’ve always wanted? I’m not sure how to answer this question. And perhaps most important, the Palestinians fear that the proposed pullout from Gaza is a temporary or disingenuous step to bow to international pressure while pushing the issue of the West Bank to the back burner. Everyone knows that even though Israel can always use land (since half the country is a big desert), Gaza is useless strategically compared to the Golan and the West Bank. So the people of Jenin may not be high on Israel’s program of who to pacify next, especially if they can divert the attention of the quarter overseeing the implementation of the road map.

There is a basic moral issue: it is wrong to occupy another people and to cut up the territories into South African style bandustans. But most of Israel believes in the principle of a Palestinian state and abhors the notion of occupation. However, is it possible to create a Palestinian state now? After years of Arafat’s hold on power, has the new government been tested enough to prove its up to the task disengagement will bring? I don’t know the answers to these questions but I’m interested to hear input.

Something slowly occurred to me soon after I got to college. Growing up, all of my friends had been Jewish, my parents’ friends were all Jewish, and I traveled in other mostly Jewish circles. When I got to Stanford, I gravitated towards the Jews immediately – water always finds its level. But I also felt this repelling polar force pushing me against some people in my dorm. One girl, the tar in my drinking water, started out as a good friend but we had a gradual falling out. Of course, these things happen. But in thinking about it, her inexplicable religiousness rubbed me the wrong way. For the next three years, I lived as one of 5 or 6 Jews out of a house of 55. People invited me to Christian mixing events and some guys in the room next to mine held a bible study group all the time. I’d never seen anything like it. There was another corner of the house with a group of people dubbed the “GodSquad”, trite but telling.

I know for certain that I’m not what one would call religious and I’m not sure if I could even be called spiritual, but that subject is for a future polemic. At some point I thought about it, though, and talked about it a lot with Sam -- who is regarded like myself as very “Jewish” – the fact that there was just all this other religious stuff around us and we were definitely not a part of it. It didn’t really bother me that lots of people were telling me to come meta-worship a god who’s supposedly not mine; I just noticed that I wasn’t like them. So I was Jewish.

I studied in Prague during fall quarter of junior year. The decision was made by a pretty simple logic. I knew I wanted to study abroad so I had to figure out what that would be good for. I could learn a language in Spain, go somewhere that no one else knows about, like Reyjkyavik (sp? It’s the capital of Iceland, however you write it.). I also could take it easy and travel for a few months. I went with the third door. According to my map, Prague made the most sense since it was right in the middle of Europe. Plus, it was in a country transitioning to democracy, it was eastern and western European at the same time, and it was said to be really cheap. So once I picked the city, I had to pick a program to study with. NYU was obscenely expensive and everyone went to my summer camp or some carbon copy of it so that was out. I looked at a few others but they were all pretty generic. Then I found one that was focused on Jewish studies and, having recently figured out that I was distinctly Jewish, I decided to go with that. And off to Europe I went.

My semester was marked by traveling. I went to Egypt, Denmark, all of the former Yugoslavia, fucking Bulgaria, and a bunch of other places. Matt and I traveled by ourselves almost everywhere we went but the Poland trip was a class requirement.

If you’re on a Jewish studies program and you go to Poland, getting to the beach isn’t high on the itinerary. We went on the pretty standard Trail of Tears, starting in Krakow (no Jews left), Warsaw (no Jews left), concentration camps (dead Jews), etc. I knew it made sense or was at least considered normal to be overcome with emotion by seeing anything so disgusting, regardless of who died there, but it was supposed to be a bigger deal for me because I’m Jewish and my people were murdered in Poland. Land of Jewish blood, idol-worshippers, keeps getting moved around on maps. But nothing made me cry or even made me think much (I'd done plenty of holocaust thinking before). The images are certainly indelible: Arbeit Macht Frei, the Ghetto wall, the train tracks at Birkenau. And at night, after we’d heard about more dead people, I thought about how hot the Polish girls were and what was in those pierogies. Enough with the pierogies. Nothing about all the deadness got to me.

Matt’s dad was coming into town the day trip ended and we decided to meet in Berlin and then go back to Prague altogether. Matt’s dad is hilarious: he is the majority owner in a fledgling toy company, he's the team dentist for all of the major sports teams in Cleveland, and he's got some travel agency scam that gets him upgrades on flights and hotels. Really wacky guy. Regardless, he managed to acquire a room for very little at the five-star Hilton in the center of the city so we were set. We did the regular tourist things but all I really remember is that it rained the whole time and we were thrilled. Fuck you, Germany; I’m incapable of doing anything significant to kick your ass but at least you have to deal with shitty weather for now. I’d always thought it was ridiculous that my grandmother says she won’t buy anything German. She won't consider German cars or listen to German composers, even though they died 200 years before the Holocaust. Of course, lots of Jews feel this way. But, the guys working at the Mercedes factory didn’t shoot anybody and Germany is very good to Jews today, certainly by European standards (as a very simple response to a very simple characterization of a common behavior). But I started thinking: the old Germans might have been in the party or at least their shitface parents were so they learned the story on Jews at an early age. Still, in the 18th and 19th centuries, Germany was the country most hospitable to Jews. Most were wealthy and they felt German first and Jewish second, if at all. Then those fuckers blindsided us and took their show to the whole continent and 150 million people died during the entire war. Shitty. Eventually I decided not to really hate the Germans, although I do hate the Poles, but I definitely felt mad at somebody for killing my people for the first time. The whole thing didn't bother me at the camps but going to Germany sealed the deal. I felt really Jewish, whatever they meant. I started to form an identification with Israel. A few months later, I decided I’d move here for a while after graduation.

But I’m still not the slightest bit emotional, about Israel or the Holocaust or the current version of anti-semitism worldwide. I just feel really comfortable here; when people ask me why I came to Israel, I’m struggling more and more to find a clear answer. My life here has been “Jewish” for sure, but not as much as I or others thought it would be. It’s been just like my name, Noach (Noah is a girls’ name here), which means comfortable.

For a slight change of pace, I went to Yad Vashem today, Israel’s museum to commemorate the Holocaust. It just had a big makeover, as perhaps you’ve read in the news, but it’s not going to be open to the public for a little while. I got in because today was survivor’s day, and so all of the people in Israel who lived through the war got a free pass with a little reception and other niceties. Turns out that the woman who has adopted me as her grandson in Israel, a friend of my grandmother’s friend, is a survivor and she invited me to come along. I wanted to see the new museum and I had the day off from work so the whole idea sounded like a good one.

It turns out that I wasn’t just going with the old lady but her entire coterie, all of whom were on the same death march as the camps were being liberated. There were at least 7 of them, ranging in age from about 70 to 90. They walked through Poland for four months in the middle of winter and all escaped at some point along the trip and found their way to safety. For once, I thought before opening my mouth, reminded by an incident from the Poland trip. We went to meet one of the three Rabbis left in Warsaw and I met a woman who offered up that she was a survivor so I asked her which camps she’d been in. She welled up, clearly one of the survivors who had been so traumatized by the war that it probably would have been more humane for her to have just been killed, and screamed at me, “you can’t ask someone which camps they were in the way you ask someone about the weather”. So, with clenched teeth, I listened.

I can’t write well enough to tell the specific stories meaningfully. Some of them talked about watching their parents getting shot, some of them talked about how they escaped, and some of them didn’t say anything. One guy, who looked unreasonably young, told me that he was four at the end of the war. He didn’t know how he survived because he was too young to remember. He was told that a soldier found him and took him to a displaced persons camp with a bunch of other survivors, where he was left to wander around on his own. He walked up to a couple and asked them, “will you be my parents?” They adopted him and that was that. He’s not sure how old he is, who his parents were, anything really; somehow he found out that he was born somewhere in Hungary. Whoa.

Then there’s the reception. A few hundred chairs are set up and eventually everyone files in a fashionable hour late. Someone important starts speaking in Hebrew and I understand a little bit: the guy is thanking a lot of people. Clap, clap, clap. Then, without introduction as far as I could tell, an old lady gets up to speak, wearing a paper yellow star like the ones Jews were forced to wear in Nazi-occupied countries. She told a story she said she’d never told anyone before. She grew up with a twin brother – when they got to the end of the tracks at Auschwitz, Dr. Mengele, the selection chief by day and human experimenter in his spare time, sent this lady to the left side with the people who wouldn’t be killed. Her brother yelled out to her and she turned around, at which time he was summarily shot. She was crying but not sobbing and was talking like someone turned the mic off. When she passed by me walking back to her seat, she grabbed my hand for some reason and said, “I feel like I’ve been born again.” Whoa.

I still know that all suffering is terrible and somebody should do something about Darfur. But today, along with the doing the good deed of paying tribute to all genocide victims, I got to really see something while feeling more strongly than ever that MY people were murdered. Big day.

What if you’re the suicide bomber who misses? You knock off some kid, maybe, but you don’t make the big headlines. If you’re operating under the presumption that Allah’s going to give you 72 virgins and a first round draft pick as token for your work, do you still get all the presents in the stocking? It’s an interesting question. Attempted murderers do different time than the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world but is that right? A guy who gets his man is no worse than the guy who fires off-target. Our logic should be that you punished or rewarded according to what you deserve, for better or worse.

So how does the law work here? If so and so doesn't even get a pregnant lady or something, does he get the regular deal or is he docked a few points? Puzzling.

With that pressing thought off my back, allow me to introduce this space. As you likely know, I'm now living in Tel Aviv, Israel for an indefinite period of time; it is perhaps also worth noting that we have what some people call a war here (details, details...). Compared to what I've been up to for the last four years (which was a lot of fun but the spent in the last place I would describe as a microcosm of the "real world"), my life here is pretty interesting. I'd like to tell you all about it. On top of that, all of my friends, except for the people I've met here, live on the other side of the world. In the interest of keeping those people in my life, I've now got this way of telling them everything about what's going on with me. Really, what's the difference; I hereby concede that I monopolize conversation and cut people off so I can hear myself talk, so really, reading this is like having a real-time conversation with me. So without further ado, let me bring you up to speed.

I came here on November 1st, 2004, arriving at Ben Gurion airport (the only one in the country) with a bunch of guys in black suits and ridiculous hair, from which I was escorted to Kibbutz Mishmar Ha'Negev. Situated a good 20 kilometers from the big city of Beersheva, which is dominated by savage Russian immigrants and boasts a mall as its hallmark, Kibbutz Mishmar Ha'Negev is the lowest circle of hell. It must suck to grow up on 8 mile or in Chechnya or Uganda but at least those places have some action. The quiet of the desert is okay for a while, but I like it loud. My Woody Allen complex leaves me uncomfortable if I’m in a total non-city environment for an extended period of time. And to call this life non-city is to say that amphetamines occasionally make for a good time. Continue, faithful reader who is not yet bored and will read on, and I will tell you how the horror of the silence set in and then how I found love in the time of the situation [here].

I wound up on the Kibbutz because I'm intending to go to graduate school here and I figured I needed a full year to learn as much Hebrew as possible to get by in class, even if my lectures and assignments will all be in English. In Israel, people new to the country learn Hebrew through a five-month intensive Hebrew course called an ulpan. Before you arrive, you decide whether to get an apartment somewhere and go to class at some private teaching center or you can live on a Kibbutz where you work half of the week and go to class the other half of the time.

I went with the Kibbutz for a few reasons. First, I had no idea how I'd show up and find an apartment quickly, considering I don’t speak Hebrew, I don’t have family here, and I’ve never looked for an apartment before. I'm sure I could have done it but I didn't want to deal with that kind of hassle right out of the gate. Second, I had the typical American vision of the Kibbutz as a place where I could be a pioneer of the desert, sowing the seeds of the land, and rebuilding the home of my people. When you get down to it, though, I went because my therapist thought it was a good idea. For what my insurance company paid that guy (my mother works for the company so we get the gold member package), if he says its good then its gotta be good.

The first month was your typical "honeymoon period" that you find in any new living situation. I met all these people from France and Switzerland and Kyrgyzstan, doing next to nothing other than communicating in broken English and getting my hands dirty. But defying all of Newton’s laws and the predictions of years of psychiatric study, I was having a ball. My Hebrew got pretty good pretty fast; I didn’t think I was learning anything but when I had to communicate with people, I could. The food wasn't spectacular but it was hot and palatable. I began working in the olive fields, just like the crusader of the desert I imagined I would be, slapping at trees with an orange rake and knocking olives to the ground. Everything was so new and fresh. At the end of every day, I felt like I'd really accomplished something meaningful.

Then I realized that my favorite thing about the place was the dogs. Mind you, I really like dogs but if having them around is the best thing in my life then everything else has to be pretty bad. The olive trees had all been raked -- there was, however, acute need for me in the styrofoam factories, which provide the kibbutz's main source of communal income. Lots of people who live on the kibbutz work there, too.

I had never conceived of such an awful job. Once a week, I worked in a factory with a bunch of machines that spit out styrofoam cabinets or boxes or even human heads (no joke). I had to organize the stuff according to protocol and then wheel it to the back where it got wrapped up by this machine. Repeat. On the other two days, I was assigned to the Polyvac, the new factory that exclusively made the little styrofoam bins you buy poultry in at the supermarket. There were two machines doing the same thing: a large sheet of styrofoam would go through this molding thing and out would pop rows of little tubs. Those would then get separated and fed down to the Russian girls who put them in bags. Without going into any further detail, there would be excess Styrofoam, which was then summarily crushed in one of two ways. One machine had a brilliant setup: this excess netting of styrofoam would feed into a machine that would grind it into tiny pieces. But the other tub making machine had no friendly crusher guy so the excess styrofoam would feed through this track heading towards me. At the speed of the machine, I would, while sitting hunched over on a styrofoam block, roll up the excess styrofoam netting while periodically breaking my roll to start another one. When the machine broke, as it did every 10-15 minutes, I had to stop rolling and manually feed my rolls of Styrofoam into the crusher machine. In total, I had one 25 minute break during an eight hour shift. And for another real kick in the balls, the clock was literally on my shoulder. Sometimes I'd figure a half an hour had gone buy and it had been maybe 10 minutes. I genuinely believe that, if properly implemented, sentencing criminals to this particular job would deter a measurable amount of crime. I attempted to fondly reflect on life while sitting there but the best I could come up with was being promoted to second string quarterback in my one year of youth football and, in the same year, playing Spin the Bottle in Scott Lindenbaum’s basement. Even greater, we turned most of the lights off. Awesome night.

And the world was suddenly silent outside of the factory. It had been this way all along but I had been in that stage where you have enough energy from meeting new people that you're contented to talk to them for hours about nothing. But as it often does when you live with a bunch of Russian immigrants, conversation runs its course and your testicles start turning purple from being consigned to celibacy. I had no privacy to masturbate. Three hours in my horrendous Spanish with the Chilean guy whose 25 year old wife is Jewish (but he's from the Chilean equivalent of an Indian reservation) didn't cut it anymore. My roommate started threatening me with explosive monomers AND polymers. I realized how annoying it was to have to hitch-hike into the city shithole of Beersheva to use an ATM machine and that after 7 o'clock, which marked the closing of the convenience store, there was nothing to do for miles. My life had gone from pampered Stanford with a Hebrew classroom that had huge touch screen LCDs and tons of Danish furniture to an encircled community that provided me the freedom I needed to hate myself. I'm sure I could have parlayed the whole college thing into a decent paying job in the States but instead, I went from taking classes with people as esteemed as Ben Savage and some princesses from Bhutan to working like a little Colombian kid. The best thing in my world was a 5 month-old mutt.

So I picked up and moved to Tel Aviv. It's been about 5 weeks now but it seems like forever, though definitely not in a bad way. I have an apartment the size of a closet in the absolute premier location in the city with cable and a coffee maker. As of about a week ago, I began my new job: customer service representative for an internet "matchmaking" site. The people have been in business for almost 10 years and have offices on a few continents. To give you the whole story, as far as I've been told, they own a couple hundred internet sites, almost all of which are either straight porn, or more often, connecting men who want to have raunchy extra-marital sex with horny sluts. I'm the CSR for a new site that is of the latter variety. I have to answer all sorts of questions about the site but I also have to approve each new user, which requires going through their profile and checking for a few meaningless red flags. The office is exactly a five minute walk from my house. I'm getting paid well, at least by Israeli standards. I'm really happy here. Have I found love? No, but I think I've found a place to live for a while.

I'm going to leave it at this for now because I'm exhausted; I've written some long e-mails but I don't think I've ever done this much in one sitting. I plan to keep this project going actively, more for my edification than anyone else's. It'd be nice, though, to hear from people who want to say hello. There's that little comment function attached to each post and I can at least know if you've viewed the page. Granted, that doesn't necessarily mean anything good about our relationship but I have a vanity complex. Sue me.

L’chaim.

Noah